"Détente" & Taking Tea With Uncertainty.

I MET WITH MY SURGEON THIS PAST FRIDAY, AND THE CONSENSUS IS: To operate on me now would do far more harm than good.  I've done well with treatment, and while I still have thousands of cancer cells in my body, it would be best to wait and monitor my condition. Exemplary of the Hippocratic oath, “first, do no harm.”  I'll have another MRI in 3 months, and unless anything changes, I'm to maintain the status quo. My prostate and bowels remain on the line. They fully expect another tumor to develop. Based on the typical pathology for my type of cancer, It could show up in my liver, my lungs, or again in my GI tract.  It could happen in a few months. A year. No one can say. When it does arise, they'll be in a position to attack it immediately, in which case I can expect more radiation and more chemo. Statistics dictate my recurrence rate over the next two years is 80%. 

I'm walking around with a bomb inside me that could go off at any time.  The best word I can use to describe it is Détente, a slight easing of tensions between adversaries, with the implicit guarantee of future hostility. The Cold War continues, in my cells.  A microcosmic Mutually Assured Destruction, quite literally at the nuclear level. DEFCON 2 in my guts, and my operational imperative: Constant vigilance with the radar of my own senses to protect the nation of my body from a fifth column.  I find military analogies apropos, cancer is warfare. You are quite literally at war with yourself, a mutation of your own cells. A biological civil war, if you will. Dare I say, there is even a fascistic component in the tactical calculus. Total unity of everything you have against a common foe.  Full Spectrum Dominance must be deployed: Diet. Exercise. Medication, even semiotics manifested by the application of war propaganda to your own cells, the "Why We Fight" dimension; meaning, the psychosomatic mantras and daily affirmations of ”I am strong." "I have this."  

The radiation, the chemo, the constant testing and waiting really brought me face-to-face with my severe discomfort with uncertainty.  That's always been my Achilles Heel and it leads to paralysis by analysis; that feeling that I never have enough data to act with conviction.  Everything is in constant revision. Plans within plans. The soufflé is forever rising, and never quite done. Leaps of faith entirely out of the question because, whether by life experience or some inherent solipsism, I've only ever had faith in myself.  I recently realized something: The first feature film I ever worked on won an Oscar. That is the single greatest catastrophe of my life. Nothing could have been as disastrous, because like Mark Renton–to whom I've often been compared by friends–nothing could ever be as sweet as that first hit.  When you hit the apex of your success right out of the gate, there's nowhere else to go. Staying in the sunlight of that success isn't sustainable, so you can only descend to more pedestrian altitudes. You can only bask in the sunlight once. Forever after it will be familiar... and familiarity breeds contempt.  Yukio Mishima writes,

"Nobody even imagines how well one can lie about the state of one's own heart." 

Over the weekend I had a phone call with an old acquaintance from High School.  Twenty years ago, we didn’t move in the same cliques that were so much part and parcel of the Gen X ecosystem. Nevertheless, we had a phenomenal conversation about wellness, philosophy, theology, illness, meditation, spirituality… It's just amazing how time and life experience can create so much common ground between two people. This weekend I have had a few conversations of real substance that leave me thinking of setting something in motion, possibly with newfound allies. What that looks like has yet take shape, but I am filling up a notebook with my ideas and will be happy to report the results in very near future. For now, while I can’t affect a full return to what I have been doing professionally for the last 15 plus years, I can finally take the first steps towards rebuilding. I’ll be seeking, and creating, opportunities in copywriting, brand development and creative consulting. My chief aim is to have enough of such work to do, part-time and remotely, to empower a return to work. I’m hoping to facilitate a situation wherein I can bring value as a professional, while ensuring the space necessary for me to continue my fight against cancer. I would be most grateful for whatever leads or thoughts any of you have about how that could be achieved. If any of you have needs in writing, or brand development, or just need a creative consultant, I am at your service. Reach out and let’s talk.

I haven’t much else to report for now. I’ll continue to look after my health and enjoy the changing of the seasons. As the weather here in The Pacific Northwest becomes more tumultuous, I’m striving for balance and clarity in my inner landscapes. As my birthday approaches in just a few days, my first since the diagnosis, my thoughts linger on themes of renewal and the cyclical nature of all things. To all those who have supported me, talked with me, shared your time, resources, prayers and thoughts over this time, you have my continued gratitude.  I’ll have more to share very soon. Thanks, and be well—each and every one of you.